I’ve finally completely moved my blog to http://grantroberts.com/blog.
If for some bizarre reason you were subscribed to this feed (at http://grantastic.wordpress.com/feed), please update your feed link to:
Thank you.
Just to extend the metaphor even further, I went back to Tomb Raider: Legend right after the last post. It’s kind of similar to when I got back together with my ex-girlfriend Carrie after she cheated on me to end our first time together. Except with less Pachouli and more hanging from wall cracks.
Anyway, I downloaded a trainer to give myself infinite health packs and continued on my journey into Lara Croft’s past — I’ll be damned if I was going to let anonymous biker thugs derail me from a game with an 80-plus score on GameRankings.
Sure enough, the game got pretty awesome again soon after the Kazakhstan Experiment. After finishing that level, I proceeded to a level set in England, complete with a brilliant Max Payne 2-style level-within-a-level.
And then… crates.
Now, before I go any further, let me say that I loved Portal. I don’t think it was the greatest game ever, or even the greatest game of 2007, but it was an extremely well-designed game. I don’t think that it ushered in a new era of storytelling, even though GLaDOS’s dialogue was brilliant.
But I did like the Companion Cube sequences. I don’t really “get” the cult that’s sprung up around it, but it’s not because I think I’m above that kind of iconography worship. After all, I’m the guy who wore ankh necklaces for years because I loved the Ultima series so much.
No, the Cube was a cool concept, and made for a fun twist on the latter levels.
What does this have to do with Tomb Raider: Legend, you ask?
Not quite as marketable, I admit.
BEHOLD!
The light yet surprisingly durable twin crates!
Seriously. You use this guy and his buddy, like, ten times as long as you use the Weighted Companion Cube. And the puzzles are just as interesting as the ones in Portal.
This leads me to wonder a lot of things. Like, did the Portal team play the England sequence in Tomb Raider: Legend before designing the Companion Cube levels? Yes, they have a plausible story for where the Cube idea came from, but jeez. The level designer at Crystal Dynamics who worked on the England level must die a little inside every time someone orders a pair of the Weighted Companion Cube fuzzy dice online.
So, yeah. That’s probably all I’ll have to say about Tomb Raider for quite a while, seeing as how it’s now the only game I’ve ever blogged about twice. How weird is that. But in conclusion, yay, Tomb Raider: Legend. And while we’re at it, yay, Portal.
Look, Tomb Raider. I loved you back in the ’90’s. You and I had some great times together. When I first saw that T-rex in the jungle? That was a magic moment.
And sure, you and I had fallen out of touch over the years. Honestly, who wouldn’t? From what I had heard and seen, you had been in a rut for years.
But just the other day, I thought I’d give you a call and see what you were up to.
Tomb Raider: Underworld
And for a while, you were like a breath of fresh air. Where had you been for the last few years?
Tomb Raider: Underworld took up quite a bit of my time over the last week or so. It was full of fun puzzles, and frozen zombies, and surprisingly well-written and well-acted dialogue. Even the lovely Virginia noticed how well-crafted everything was.
But like any relationship with an old fling, it wasn’t meant to last.
In the last level, I encountered a rather irritating bug, and was unable to proceed to the end of the game. So Underworld joined the long list of games that I haven’t been able to finish lately. Ah, well.
It was only after I’d played about halfway through the game that I realized I was missing out on some story and character elements. A quick Wikipedia search confirmed that Tomb Raider: Legend should have been first on my list.
So I picked up Legend and took it out for a spin. And hey, it was fun, too! I was a little put off by the fact that half the game involved shooting guys and moving around office buildings instead of raiding tombs, but hey, you’ve got to mix up the formula a bit.
However, as the great poet Dwayne Johnson once said: Know your role.
Early on in Legend, there is an extended motorcycle-riding sequence. There are other enemies on motorcycles trying to shoot at the player, but for the most part, the sequence was easily beaten. I didn’t think much of it. After all, the motorcycle sequences in Underworld were pretty fun — because Crystal Dynamics had obviously learned their lesson from the Kazakhstan level.
Look, I'm raiding tombs! Really!
In the Kazakhstan level of Legend, we have an even longer motorcycle sequence. This time, however, there are SUV’s in addition to the guys on bikes. And… it’s really hard. As in, I’ve tried it ten times and haven’t successfully made it through the level. And I won’t ever make it through the level. Why?
BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO ENGAGE IN MOTORCYCLE COMBAT.
I WANT TO RAID TOMBS.
AND SOLVE PUZZLES.
It would be easy for me to say that I won’t be playing any more Tomb Raider games any time soon. But, to be honest, they’ve got their hooks into me. The games are fun, the puzzles are tuned just well enough that I only had to look on YouTube twice for hints, and the characters are interesting.
Until then, I’ve got what appears to be Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time mixed with ICO coming out in a few days. That ought to tide me over for a while.
By the way, sorry for the lack of updates to this blog lately. I’ve been working on another project that’s been taking up most of my time. And playing way too much of this.
Virginia, I love you.
(Other Virginia, I also love you.)
I take back everything bad I ever said about my home state.
Oh, and congratulations, 44.
Let me get this out of the way first: I don’t wish harm on anyone.
Well, okay, that’s not true. There are quite a few people I’d wish harm on if I thought it would work. The wishing, I mean. But I haven’t really found wishing to accomplish anything. Thirty-three candleblows wasted!
Anyway. I wouldn’t wish harm on Tom Brady. It’s not my fault that he’s an incredibly talented professional football player who looks like a Calvin Klein model. At least, I don’t think it’s my fault. I don’t remember wishing for that during any of the candleblows.
Still, candleblows aside, I know most professional athletes handle injury a lot better than the rest of us mortals. After all, my parents frowned upon me playing football because they were worried that I’d get hurt. But other than spraining my right ankle six times and dislocating my shoulder and taking a bloodbath-bringing baseball to the nose, I never got hurt.
Tom Brady. Right. So I’m playing fantasy football again this year after taking a year off. (This is when most of you will roll your eyes and go back to looking at Slashdot. I know. It’s okay.) I’m in a 14-team league with a bunch of people from Sierra, and got the #4 pick in the draft.
Now, some of you may know that I’m a big fan of the Indianapolis Colts, and of Peyton Manning in particular. That’s right, I have a jersey and everything. I’m not ashamed. So, naturally, I hate the Patriots. Hate hate hate the Patriots. I loved them back in 2001 when they kicked the Rams’ ass after being 14-point underdogs, when they were 53 Davids who took down the irritating Rams Goliath. I started hating them soon after that, due to them beating the Colts year after year at every opportunity. I delighted in 2007 when they took down the Patriots in the AFC Championship on their way to the Super Bowl, and cackled madly when the plucky Giants shocked the world and ended the Patriots’ perfect season seven months ago.
Fast forward to last week. I have the #4 pick in my fantasy draft. LaDainian Tomlinson was picked first, of course. Adrian Peterson went second. The Eagles’ Brian Westbrook was chosen third.
Now what? I could take Joseph Addai, the exciting young running back from Indianapolis who is a hell of a lot of fun to watch, and more importantly, a member of my favorite real-life team. In the past, I’ve had a strict policy of never choosing any players that I don’t like. Or, at least, never choosing players that I hate.
So what do I do? Why, I chose last year’s regular season MVP, thrower of an NFL record 50 touchdown passes, from the University of Michigan, number 12, Tom Brady!
I immediately felt the need to confess my sins to Joe, who justifiably ridiculed me. I had sold out! What the hell is the matter with me! I’d violated my only rule in fantasy football!
Well, at least I could justify my decision by a desire to win. I’m a winner, baby. And that’s why I chose the indestructible Tom Brady, impregnator of actresses and Brazilian supermodels. Why, with him leading my team, what could possib–
I really do feel bad for the guy, honestly. I can't believe in 2008 we still have knee injuries as often as we do in the NFL.
…huh.
Now, as a giant fan of the five-time AFC South Champion Indianapolis Colts, what was my first reaction? Was it “Serves you right, pretty boy. Try throwing 50 passes when you’re gripping a walker!” Was it “Sweet! Thanks to a Tom Brady knee injury, the Colts will have a much easier path to the Super Bowl. 2008 is looking up for the Colts!” Or was it “Wow, knee injuries are horrible things. No matter how I may feel about the strikingly handsome Tom Brady, I wish him a speedy recovery and good health.”
Well, no. Instead, my first reaction as I pulled into the Safeway parking lot after hearing the news was:
“Shit! My fantasy team is doomed!”
Fantasy football is evil.
Update: Oh my god, I just looked at NFL.com and saw that he’s OUT FOR THE SEASON. Just… wow.
