Let me get this out of the way first: I don’t wish harm on anyone.
Well, okay, that’s not true. There are quite a few people I’d wish harm on if I thought it would work. The wishing, I mean. But I haven’t really found wishing to accomplish anything. Thirty-three candleblows wasted!
Anyway. I wouldn’t wish harm on Tom Brady. It’s not my fault that he’s an incredibly talented professional football player who looks like a Calvin Klein model. At least, I don’t think it’s my fault. I don’t remember wishing for that during any of the candleblows.
Still, candleblows aside, I know most professional athletes handle injury a lot better than the rest of us mortals. After all, my parents frowned upon me playing football because they were worried that I’d get hurt. But other than spraining my right ankle six times and dislocating my shoulder and taking a bloodbath-bringing baseball to the nose, I never got hurt.
Tom Brady. Right. So I’m playing fantasy football again this year after taking a year off. (This is when most of you will roll your eyes and go back to looking at Slashdot. I know. It’s okay.) I’m in a 14-team league with a bunch of people from Sierra, and got the #4 pick in the draft.
Now, some of you may know that I’m a big fan of the Indianapolis Colts, and of Peyton Manning in particular. That’s right, I have a jersey and everything. I’m not ashamed. So, naturally, I hate the Patriots. Hate hate hate the Patriots. I loved them back in 2001 when they kicked the Rams’ ass after being 14-point underdogs, when they were 53 Davids who took down the irritating Rams Goliath. I started hating them soon after that, due to them beating the Colts year after year at every opportunity. I delighted in 2007 when they took down the Patriots in the AFC Championship on their way to the Super Bowl, and cackled madly when the plucky Giants shocked the world and ended the Patriots’ perfect season seven months ago.
Fast forward to last week. I have the #4 pick in my fantasy draft. LaDainian Tomlinson was picked first, of course. Adrian Peterson went second. The Eagles’ Brian Westbrook was chosen third.
Now what? I could take Joseph Addai, the exciting young running back from Indianapolis who is a hell of a lot of fun to watch, and more importantly, a member of my favorite real-life team. In the past, I’ve had a strict policy of never choosing any players that I don’t like. Or, at least, never choosing players that I hate.
So what do I do? Why, I chose last year’s regular season MVP, thrower of an NFL record 50 touchdown passes, from the University of Michigan, number 12, Tom Brady!
I immediately felt the need to confess my sins to Joe, who justifiably ridiculed me. I had sold out! What the hell is the matter with me! I’d violated my only rule in fantasy football!
Well, at least I could justify my decision by a desire to win. I’m a winner, baby. And that’s why I chose the indestructible Tom Brady, impregnator of actresses and Brazilian supermodels. Why, with him leading my team, what could possib–
I really do feel bad for the guy, honestly. I can't believe in 2008 we still have knee injuries as often as we do in the NFL.
…huh.
Now, as a giant fan of the five-time AFC South Champion Indianapolis Colts, what was my first reaction? Was it “Serves you right, pretty boy. Try throwing 50 passes when you’re gripping a walker!” Was it “Sweet! Thanks to a Tom Brady knee injury, the Colts will have a much easier path to the Super Bowl. 2008 is looking up for the Colts!” Or was it “Wow, knee injuries are horrible things. No matter how I may feel about the strikingly handsome Tom Brady, I wish him a speedy recovery and good health.”
Well, no. Instead, my first reaction as I pulled into the Safeway parking lot after hearing the news was:
“Shit! My fantasy team is doomed!”
Fantasy football is evil.
Update: Oh my god, I just looked at NFL.com and saw that he’s OUT FOR THE SEASON. Just… wow.
